


Bad Day For Outsiders

by RonChee



Category: The Dresden Files (TV), The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Detectives, Fae & Fairies, Fairies, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Magic, One Shot, Self-Insert, Supernatural Elements, Vampires, Work Up For Adoption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:01:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22909036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: Harry Dresden could use a hand, and a little foreknowledge can go a long way.  Shame that once he had it it didn't take long for things to go to hell.
Kudos: 11





	Bad Day For Outsiders

"You seem different Harry, new shoes?" The spirit within the skull asked and I felt my headache grow worse.

"A new soul including memories...from _Outside_." I told the semi-living computer of a spirit, after all Bob had figured out enough to work out something was different, really it was a matter of time till he worked it out it all, so why bother playing around when it could help me?

If he was shocked the skull didn't show it. "Ha, I was close!"

I blinked, "How was new shoes close to me having a new soul?"

"Don't you know shoes have soles? What are they teaching kids these days?" The skull clicked it's teeth in disapproval.

I grimaced at the pun.

"Anyway, could you take a look and tell me if I can be separated?" I asked hopefully, half of me very much didn't want to deal with Harry's life though to be fair the other half wasn't very excited about it either.

"Certainly, if you let me out for the week..."

"Bob, the last time I did that I got a restraining order filed against me when I went to collect you from the female dorms of the college."

"That was fun! So what do you say?"

"I say that I'll let you out for a day- after we do what we can for me of course and only if you agree to come back and not make me go after you- I won't even try to control you beyond that, fool's errand that."

"Good man!" The spirit poured forth out of the skull, the light of it feeling like it was searing into my body and beyond.

"Hmm.. Nope, you two are good and stuck!"

I grimaced, "Figured but it was worth a try, thanks Bob. I think in that case I'm going to try for an integrating potion to speed things up and hopefully get rid of this headache. I'm thinking a sticky soda for the base liquid." Saying that I opened up a bottle of soda and poured it in the cauldron in the cramped and cluttered basement., "But I'm having trouble with some of the senses. Glue for taste, tape for touch, a bandage for sight, but what else is there for smell and hearing, mind and spirit?" I said even as I began writing them down.

"Hmmm... I think you have an envelope or two in here that will work for mind, and perhaps.. ahah! This lewd little number will be perfect for spirit!" The spirit tore out a page of one of his 'romance' novels setting it on my workbench.

I blinked, "Really?"

"Harry or whatever your name is now, haven't you heard the healing power of sex? The act that combines two people into one, that allows you mortals to transcend beyond your crude flesh for a brief beautiful instant?"

I nodded, "Harry's fine and alright, you've convinced me. What about smell and hearing?"

"Smell is easy enough, maple syrup but for hearing... Hm... Perhaps a drop of rain captured the moment it hit a puddle or lake would work but you don't have any of that. How about you make hearing tape and for touch use a zip-tie?"

"Brilliant, thanks Bob!"

"Does that mean I can go?" The spirit vibrated excitedly in the air sounding rather disturbingly like... Best not think about that.

"Be back in twenty-four hours." I said waving him off. 

"Whoo! New Harry's the best, watch out coeds here comes Bob!" I snorted as I got to brewing pouring my energy into it until finally the ingridents perfectly blended together in a near explosive oomph of magic.

Pouring it into a glass I went upstairs and got in bed just in case. I waited until it was cool before downing the disgusting elixir.  
Much as I'd figured turning two beings into one _hurt_ like hell and speeding it up ramped up the pain to incredible levels.

* * *

I woke up feeling worlds better if it weren't for that incessant ringing.

Picking up the phone I answered "Dresden speaking, how may I-"

"Dresden, finally. I need you here yesterday." I blinked, why was Karrin Murphy calling me and why did it make me feel dread?

"Where and what?" I asked cursing myself, I should have said I couldn't but.. But it was Karrin and the potion had worked since I cared about the woman as much as Harry ever had. 

"The river, follow the sirens.. Hurry Harry." She hung up without another word and I grimaced, I had no memory of a case that had started with a river meaning this was one of the cases before the first book, one I couldn't cheat my way out of with foreknowledge.

Worse yet Karrin wasn't usually that short which was saying something as she was the tiniest woman I knew which meant this was bad.

"Fuck."

I quickly downed a glass of water while taking care of my morning obligations and grimaced at my bare cupboards and ice box deciding I couldn't wait any longer with naught but a stick of chalk, my staff and blasting rod in my oversized and unprotected cloth duster. I made sure my pentacle was around my neck and grinned as it glowed brightly, who knew being a magic loving nerd would come in handy in matters of faith? 

Still, what I wouldn't give for a shield bracelet or the other tools I'd eventually make...

I considered stopping by the office for my revolver but.. But it wasn't exactly _legal_ and if Karrin needed me now she'd be pissed if I made a pit-stop in the opposite direction.

Getting into my multicolored Beetle which luckily enough decided to work today I started driving.

The section of river was a madhouse with dozens of cop cars an ambulance and a couple firefighters even, though I couldn't figure out what they were even doing there. 

I showed off my consultant's badge to a sneering cop who waved me past the cordon and saw Murphy examining a water bloated corpse.

"Finally! Do your mojo and tell me this isn't what I think it is." Karrin ordered and I felt my gouge rising once I looked at the the gash in it's neck.

It wasn't enough to tell anything sadly.

Worse yet diagnosis spells weren't exactly my expertise which sadly meant I closed my eyes and focused on the space between them and when I opened them I _saw_ with my Wizard's sight. 

Despite the bloating when I looked with my third eye I saw the corpse was no longer bloated but quite the opposite, it was _drained_ looking like a deflated balloon, with two rather horrid black marks on it's neck no longer hidden by the gaping wound that had been made afterward. 

I shuddered in light terror wrenching my sight away the world turning flat and near colorless but still the image remained forever etched into my soul.

"What is it Dresden?"

"Vampire." I said shortly.

"Fuck." Murphy swore.

I nodded in agreement, "Fuck."

If I wasn't careful I could end up starting the war against those buggers early, and in the books humanity barely won.

On the bright side I wasn't feeling very hungry anymore.

"Tell me you can find whoever did this." She ordered. 

"I don't know that I can. Theoretically I could use a tiny bit of the victim's blood to track it down but the river would have cut the connection between the two." 

"Don't give me that shit, you've got some contacts you can ask at least!" Murphy told me. 

I grimaced at that but thought rapidly. I could ask Bianca the vampire but in canon I'd needed to see the monster's true face with my sight in order to stop myself from being enthralled making me an enemy for life in the process, and I'd clearly not done such in canon. Beyond that there was Thomas but that was a tricky situation all on it's own not least because I shouldn't know about him yet and worse his monster of a Father was still around and if he found out about me he'd do his best to kill me to end the death curse my Mother placed on him...

Who else was there? Wait...

"I.. I think I have an idea of a possible informant that might be able to help. I.. I need a bribe for him and his friends though and I'm broke."

"Who and how much?"

"Telling you his name would piss him off I'm afraid and.. well, I need a pizza if you want their full cooperation. Better make it two, and a soda as well, as much as the idea turns my stomach I haven't eaten since yesterday."

"A pizza? Jesus, is anything in your life normal? Who are you calling, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"

I snorted. 

"Get the pizzas and stay out of hearing range or at least pretend to until I call for you and I'll introduce you two. You'll like him I think, he might be even shorter than you."

She glared but stomped off to order the pizzas hopefully. 

* * *

By the time Karrin had returned with the pizzas and a couple cans of soda I had meditated my way past my horror mostly, pushing down the image that threatened to spill forth but it wasn't and wouldn't ever be gone. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate the _sight_?

Worse from what I knew what I'd seen was relatively tame to what I could look forward to in the future. 

I took a drink and quickly began eating a greasy slice even as I put the entire other box aside grabbing a slice and biting my thumb put a tiny bit of my blood on the bottom. I put it on a napkin in the chalked circle in the alley while Karrin looked on in interest.

"Alright, back off till I call you- please?" I asked.

"Fine Dresden but this better not be some sick game." I blinked, this had really upset Karrin, had she known the victim?

I shook it off as Karrin left and sent a tiny bit of energy to the chalked circle on the ground nearly but not fully completing it.

"Toot-toot." I called my voice low and laced with magic.

It didn't take long before a tiny dew-drop faerie in a silver nimbus of light flew into the alley on silvery dragonfly shaped wings and picking up an end of the pizza took a huge bite including the blood closing the circle.

"Hey! Let me out! Mortal, you do not know what forces you mess with, you will rue the day- oh hey Harry! Did you see the honor-less-scoundrel that trapped me here?"

I winced, "Uh, that was me _but_ if you agree to grant me a boon I'd be glad to free you."

"Aw man! Do I have to?"

"There's more pizza in it for you and any others you can get to help..." I offered the now salivating Fae. 

"More pizza!? Agreed, I'll do it, now let me out so I can help!" Thrice said and thrice bound, I grinned nudging the chalk circle with a foot breaking it even as he whistled, a flock of fairies descending upon the pizza like piranha.

"That's terrifying." Karrin said much too close- I wanted to shriek in surprise but managed to contain myself to a flinch.

"Y-yeah. Toot, this is Karrin Murphy, Karrin, this is Toot." It wasn't his full name so it wouldn't annoy the fairy- even if he wasn't too busy eating to do more than wave uncaringly. 

"Get to it Dresden." She said ignoring my kindly introduction.

"He _might_ be shorter than me..." She muttered mutinously and I winced, I should not have said that.

"Fine, Toot, I need your help, have you or any of your friends seen any vampires around the river last night?"

"I haven't, guys?" 

A chorus of no's resounded leaving me feeling disappointed at the lack of easy answers.

Still... "Very well, then in exchange for the pizza I need you guys to keep watch on the river and around town for vampires acting blatantly- and tell me or Karrin as soon as you spot it alright?"

"Aw man, that sounds like a lot of work!"

"Please Toot? It'll only be till this guy's caught. Please, you're my only hope!"

"I am? I mean of course I am! Fine Dresden, I shall grant you your boon, for the pizza!" Toot-toot said puffing out his tiny chest making him burp. 

I grinned as the crowd dispersed. 

"You sure about this Harry?" Karrin asked sounding and looking skeptical. 

"Yeah, they may seem silly and they may act silly and they may have the attention span of a 3 year old on a sugar high but they see more than most humans."

I hoped they came through.

"Wait, did you say blatantly? Does that mean there are other vampires in _my_ city eating _people_ in secret?" Karrin asked suddenly.

Fuck.

"They're too much for even the entire White Council to handle much less normal law enforcement." I hurriedly explained. "We're in an uneasy truce with them lest they wipe us out which presently they could, easily. Hopefully taking care of their rogue won't screw things up..."

"White Council?" Karrin asked with a glare. 

I just couldn't keep my mouth shut could I?

I slumped, "It's.. I probably should tell you everything but keep in mind they wouldn't like you knowing and would cut off my head if they found out I told you- and I'm speaking literally so you didn't hear this from me and you shouldn't spread this around, alright?"

"Fine, talk." Bye bye canon, it's been nice knowing you. Still, hadn't that always been the plan as much as I'd had one? Canon ended with Harry as a slave, at least as far as I'd read. 'I should have kept reading the bloody series but _nooo_ , I had to be too disgusted with Harry becoming a lackey.' I thought with self-loathing. 

"F-fine, I guess it started when I was a kid, I got myself apprenticed to a dark wizard not that I knew it at the time..."

I left out nothing save that I was an outsider, I wouldn't be telling anyone else that, bad enough Bob knew. 

* * *

"Fuck." Karrin said when I was finished, my throat dry. The soda helped and even if the pizza was now cold I ate another slice.

"What can we do about them?" Karrin asked sounding rather small and scared, something that terrified me. Karrin was a badass, if even she was worried it was worse than bad.

"The White Council? Ignore them and hope they return the favor has so far worked for me. Vampires?" I grimaced, "I don't _know_ , I want them gone as much as anyone but if I go to war with them they'll go to war against _everyone everywhere_ if I give them a good enough excuse to break the truce. Everything else out there? Take it as it comes I guess..." I said with a shaky shrug.

"Fuck." Karrin repeated. 

I nodded wishing the soda were something stronger.

"Thanks for not sugar coating things." Karrin said.

I nodded feeling my throat tighten as Karrin hugged me.

"You've had a raw deal Dresden but I want you to know if those sword wielding nutcases come after you I'll do my best to protect you."

I snorted hugging the woman back, "Thanks Karrin." I wanted to tell the woman that she'd have no chance, that she shouldn't risk herself but.. but it'd just make her angry for no good reason given that she'd try anyway with the addition of being _hurt_ that I hadn't come to her.

Maybe I was deluding myself but she might even be able to help. Hadn't she ended up wielding one of the swords of the cross a time or two and survived everything this city had thrown at her even without that?

"So what now?" She asked releasing me.

"We wait for Toot to report back, hopefully tonight. I.. I should probably go prepare a few things, and you should too. Wooden stakes, holy water in throw-able containers like glass bottles, balloons or even in a paintball gun.. maybe even a symbol you believe in... Maybe even your badge, regardless try to feel your faith in whatever it is, will it to protect you, believe it will protect you and-"

I blinked as Karrin's badge lit up brighter than even my pentacle could even as the woman gaped.

"-and it will... I.. I'm glad I suggested that. I.. that should at least make even the strongest vampires hesitate, though hopefully what we're dealing with is a dumb fledgling but..." Would a dumb fledgling cover it's tracks by tearing out it's victims throat and dumping the victim in moving water to prevent it from rising? I didn't think so and given the hard look on Karrin's face she didn't either.

She nodded firmly standing up straighter and suddenly the hesitant afraid woman was gone and in her place was a warrior.

* * *

I returned to my basement apartment feeling nearly as drained as the bloated man had been the thought causing me to flinch as my mind flashed to the perfectly preserved memory and I quickly stuffed the pizza into the ice box before running to the bathroom and finally allowing myself to vomit.

I wrenched my mouth and mind away from it as soon as I could and got to work. 

I didn't have the money or resources for much of anything, I really was dead broke and as soon as this case was done I'd need to figure out how to solve that problem but for now I started on a couple more potions. Sadly I wasn't quite the same as I'd been before and needed to create the potions from scratch using things that were relevant to me as I was now.

Still, I thought my version of an escape potion had a decent chance of working and the instant suntan potion had potential.

Shame I never got to use them, by the time I got to the latest scene Karrin was covered in ash and looked like the cat who caught the canary and I couldn't help but get a bad feeling in my gut that this wasn't over.

Sure, I knew intellectually that I wasn't in a fictional world right now but... something about things ending so anticlimactically on my part had me waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Then I saw her partner's badge glowing as well and I knew in that moment she had no intention of letting the truce keep going. 'That didn't take long.' I thought. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have no plans to continue this but if I did I could see Dresden training up anyone he could including himself perhaps making a deal with the devil, namely John Marcone in a mad rush to prepare, an early all out war against the vampires breaking out with the first nest Karrin goes after, a war far messier than in canon.


End file.
